transformers: the pub wars
by kevin O'Connor
Summary: which what happens when your favourite robots are off the air politics, tiolet humor brutal beatings a plenty and watch in disbelief as Grimlock faces off against a door this was taken off one site becuse of the references and the language enjoy


Transformers: the pub wars  
  
There are two metallic combatant on a war field fighting for position we recognise them as the respective leaders of the both factions fighting an ancient feud.  
  
Optimus: (dramtically) will this war ever end. (really milking it for all it's worth)  
  
He swings his cyber axe but just misses his opponent's head. The other combatant swings his cyber mace and tags his opponents arm sparks fly from the wound.  
  
Megatron: only when you're dead.  
  
Prime backs up a bit looking at the wound on his arm it not bad but it could be worse. The two titans size each other looking for some weakness to use against his opponent.  
  
They both scream as they charge towards each other with the thought of ending each other.  
  
Director: cut good both a bit more of that intensity tomorrow for the final scene.  
  
Megatron: you getting a bit slow a few years ago I would never have tagged you like that.  
  
Optimus: (Breathing a bit heavy) I am getting too old for this 4 million years is a bit much .  
  
Megatron: yeah we are getting a bit old fancy a pint old man.  
  
Optimus: yeah sure I will see you in the pub in a few minutes.  
  
Megatron nods and walks off the set. Someone taps optimus on the back.  
  
Technician: I will need to take the matrix for some fine tuning for tomorrow's shot.  
  
Optimus: ok here you go.  
  
He opens his chest cavity and takes out the crystalline orb out and hands it to the technician.  
  
Optimus: make sure you get all the bugs out last time I tried to open it nearly blow hand off.  
  
Technician: I will try my best.  
  
He turns and leaves while op walks slowly off the set. As he does he see a metallic T-rex punching, kicking and cursing obscenities at a door. Optimus puts his hand over his face in disbelief then look's up and still he is kicking the door. Optimus whistles as the t-rex look's around at him.  
  
Optimus: pull Grimlock not push.  
  
Grimlock looks down and pulls on the handle and the door swings open.  
  
Grimlock: thanks I forgot how to open it.   
  
Her smiles and walk's out of sight past the door.  
  
A young robot walk's past optimus he sees the dent's on the door and looks at op who nods still in disbelief.  
  
Hot rod: why do we still imploy him and his gang of thugs.  
  
Optimus: because he is cheap and because I am afraid for what he would do this place of the area around us if we fired him again after last time.  
  
Hot rod: last time?  
  
Optimus: oh right you were not with us last time. He got drunk on the set and got into a fight with half the cast. And he bloody won.  
  
Hot rod: then you fired him.  
  
Optimus: we had to insurance would not insure against the guy but when we fired him anyway. And then he got together with his group and went on a drunken rampage the only we could stop him was offering him back his contract. On the terms he stopped drinking which he did but it doesn't stop us from fearing the guy.  
  
Hot rod: st I did not know that tomorrow the last day of filming you excited.  
  
Optimus: not really I am looking forward to a break from all this I am off a pint see you later.  
  
Hot rod: yeah ok see you later.  
  
Optimus walks off the set and down a pub around the corner.  
  
He walks in megatron is standing at the bar with a pint in his hand for him.  
  
Optimus: ta (has a sip) just what I needed.  
  
Megatron: what took you so long you are usually down here quicker than all of us.  
  
Optimus: watching Grimlock smack a door around then I had to explain it all to hot rod.  
  
Megs: I wish we could get rid of Grimlock.  
  
Optimus: (takes a long drink) you want to tell him that.  
  
Megatron: st no after the last time even the cops are afraid to arrest him we all got three month after that riot.  
  
Optimus: oh yes I remember horrific it took all of to hold him down to get the bloody cuffs on him shocking mess.  
  
Megatron: and what did we get charged with...adding and abetting just because it was our fault he went off the handle.  
  
Optimus: I am still trying to forget that time we were lucky we still had jobs to come back to after that.  
  
Hot rod walks in with blurr and orders a pint.  
  
Hot rod: Two pints of enerbitt please.  
  
Blurr: goood shooooot todaaaay yooou guuuuuys.  
  
He is speaking really fast.  
  
Optimus: he really needs to stop smoking that st seriously it,s fing up his voice box.  
  
Blur turns to look at the people in the pub hot rod talks behind his back.  
  
Hot rod: I know, I know but he wont listen.  
  
They walk off.  
  
Optimus: drugs will ruin you.  
  
Megatron: yeah it will. So what do you think of the end of the series then.  
  
Optimus: it could have been a lot better we need better writers. Though there has been talk of a movie after this series in which they will probably have us beat each other to death and let someone else take over our roles.  
  
Megatron: yeah my younger brother galvatron been trying to take my place for years.  
  
Suddenly the door swings open and in walks starscream.  
  
Starscream: good evening my fans one at a time please. An air of arrogance follows him.  
  
Silence as he looks around.  
  
Starscream: fine  
  
He walks over to the other side of the bar away from every one else seething.  
  
Optimus: I don't know why he bothers everyone hates him.  
  
Megatron: I know but if we fire him he will sue us and you know it.  
  
Optimus: too true where are the girl's tonight.  
  
Megatron: why you on the pull.  
  
Optimus: oh god no but is fun to watch the younger males embarrass themselves.  
  
Megatron: (smiles) yeah it is.  
  
An hour later and three drinks later. In walk Arcee and Alita one.  
  
Arcee: hello boys the fun has arrived.  
  
Alita one: oh shut up you tart and get the drinks in.  
  
She giggles and walks over to the bar to get a drink. Hot rod walks over to optimus and megatron  
  
Hot rod: alita looks good tonight what do you think huh.  
  
Optimus: twenty if you can so much as get her phone number you in megs. (pulls out a twenty and puts on the bar)  
  
megatron: me as well he has no hope in hell. (Smiles and pulls out a twenty)  
  
Another twenty descends on the pile and star scream appears out of nowhere behind them.  
  
Starscream: yeah me as well.  
  
He replays as if he has just appeared out of nowhere.   
  
Optimus: ok we have a bet you in hot rod or are you a chicken..  
  
Hot rod: (sweats has a sip of his bottle) ok let me show you old men how to do it.  
  
He leaves as they watch on in wait. Hot rod walks over to Alita one.  
  
Hot rod: hi Alita enjoying your drink.  
  
She looks up and sees the desperation and cannot help but laugh.  
  
Alita: come back when you hit cyber puberty sweetheart.  
  
He turns back around and walks back to the bar quickly while the three guys are laughing away   
  
Starscream: ok pay up boy wonder.  
  
He does and walks back to his seat very sheepishly. Alita looks at op and winks slyly.  
  
Megatron: your in there mate go for it.  
  
Optimus: another time perhaps I am just wondering what is going to happen after we finish tomorrow.  
  
Starscream: I know.  
  
They both look at him. As he opens a compartment in his shoulder and  
  
Pulls out a script it is titled transformers the movie.  
  
Optimus: holly st where did you get that from.  
  
Starscream: stole it for a read.  
  
Optimus: you complete and utter slimy basd, lets have a read.  
  
Starscream: ok ( he passes them the script and smiles evilly as they read)  
  
End of part 1 e- mail me if you want more  
  
Pub wars part 2  
  
As they read the script they look at each other.  
  
Optimus: well I was right we are going to kill each other.  
  
Both look at starscream  
  
Megatron: and then my brother is going to kill you.  
  
Starscream: well this sucks we wont get picked up for another season we will be lucky to get flash backs.  
  
Optimus: or come back from the dead a number of times.  
  
Starscream: nah no one will believe that.  
  
The pub door swings open and in walk the dinobots. Absolute silence is heard until they move to the war.  
  
Grimlock: 5 pints now.  
  
The bartender gets them their drinks as fast as he can.  
  
Optimus and megatron continue to read the script as grimlock eyes starscream with bad intention.  
  
Grimlock: what are you reading.  
  
Dinobots: (in unison) yeah  
  
Optimus: the future.  
  
Grimlock: what that then.  
  
Dinobots: (again in unison) yeah.  
  
Megatron: not much us three are out of a job your covered for another series.  
  
Grimlock: (turns to the dinobots and raises his glass) hear that we rule all. Cheers.  
  
They bang there glasses together and cheer.  
  
Optimus: (turns to the bartender) 3 pints I may as well get them in while I have a job.  
  
Starscream: not all is lost men if you finish the script it your young friend over there who is taking your place he has been brown nosing since day one eliminate him and your problems.  
  
Optimus: I couldn't do that to the lad it goes against everything I believe in.  
  
Megatron: OK that your problem solved how do I get rid of my brother the guy insane one minute he fine the next he is flying off the fucking handle and shooting everything in sight.  
  
Starscream: that is your problem to solve (turns to optimus evilly) take out hot rod and your job is not in jeopardy.  
  
Elita one get's up and walk past optimus and as she does she whispers something in his audio receptors when she finished his eyes light up and she walks into the bathroom.  
  
Optimus: (looks at starscream his eyes are bright) maybe you are right I can't be good all my life.  
  
As he walks to the bathroom quickly.  
  
Megatron: go on my son enjoy it.  
  
As he walks past the group of dinobots grimlock sees optimus head into the toilets and looks at megatron who nods his head.  
  
Grimlock: (shouts) GO ON MY SON.  
  
Dinobots replay in unison and the whole pub joins in the chant.  
  
In the toilet.  
  
Optimus: are you sure elita.  
  
Chant can be heard in the background  
  
Elita: very sure .  
  
Silence can be heard as the screaming and squeling begins.  
  
The crowd cheers.  
  
10 minutes later.  
  
Optimus re-emerges from the bathroom his face plate is missing and he is smoking slightly he walks over to the bar.  
  
optimus: three double shots if you please.  
  
Megatron: how was it then.  
  
Optimus: (drowns three shots) fucking FANTASTIC.  
  
He looks around.  
  
Optimus: where the gang vanished.  
  
Megatron: went off with arcee very quickly.  
  
Optimus: well she always wanted to participate in a cybertronian gang bang.  
  
Megatron: she got her wish your young friend has left his drugged up mate past over in the corner and left.  
  
Re-apears at the side of them.  
  
Starscream: oh them two have left a few minutes ago during your chanting love feast. If you run you might catch them.  
  
Optimus: (thinks about it) why not if we catch them it might be a laugh.  
  
He gets up reattaches his face plate and walks off. Megatron looks in disbelief at starscream.  
  
Megatron: if I knew getting laid would have loosened him up I would have got him laid years ago.  
  
Starscream: yeah you better follow him and make sure he does not get too rambunctious.  
  
Megatron walks off following optimus.  
  
Starscream: perfect with them too doing my bidding my plans are in effect.  
  
Outside   
  
Optimus is looking for hot rod.  
  
He walks past one alley wherer he can hear a female in the throws of passion. He hears a familar vioces shouting instructions.  
  
Grimlock: harder, faster come on put some effort into it woman.  
  
Optimus sees megatron and stops.  
  
Megatron: good to see they are hard at work and preoccupied let's go get your job back.  
  
Optimus: lets roll out and do some optimal damage.  
  
Optimus prime transforms into his truck mode as his trailer appears out of no where.  
  
Megatron gets in the drivers seat.  
  
Megatron: optimus where does your trailer disappear to every time your in robot mode .  
  
Optimus: I am not sure one day I will have to place tracer on it to find out it goes to is a mystery just like how you mass can shrink down into a gun in robot mode. The writers must have thought the audience would never catch that or something.  
  
They drive off.  
  
Meanwhile in the alley big Grim and his men have exhausted there entertainment who is fast asleep.  
  
Grimlock: OK men I have a job for us to do.  
  
They salute him.  
  
Dinobots: Yes sir  
  
Grimlock: swoop fly overhead and do some reconinsence for me.  
  
Swoop: yes sir (transforms and fly's off)  
  
Meanwhile  
  
At the studio lots hot rod walks alone.  
  
Behind him he can hear a noise building up momentum and it draws near and a familiar song can be heard.  
  
You got the touch, you got the power...  
  
Suddenly a red truck rams though a wall at the other end of the studio and is desending on rodimus.  
  
You got the heart, you got the motion...  
  
Hot rod with a look of fear in his face quickly transforms into car mode and speeds down the studio road as fast as he can.  
  
After all is said and done, you walk you never won you a winner...  
  
Optimus: you'll never out run me kid I 'lll catch you eventually.  
  
Megatron: you drive i'll shot him down.  
  
He aims at a mystified hot rod who is driving for his life as fast as he can as megatron takes pot shots.  
  
Hot rod: what the hell are you doing arggh (megatron clips him on the side) you dosy sod that hurt.  
  
Optimus: it will hurt more when I bleeding catch you take my job will you.  
  
They contimue to speed doen the studio road and are rapidly approaching a dead end.  
  
You got the power, when all hell breaking loose you will be riding the eye of the storm...  
  
Hot rod sees the wall and panics he cant drive though that so he slows down and stops transforming into robot mode optimus slows down and stops in front of rodimus and they head towards a growing increaseingly worried hot rod.  
  
Hot rod has a mini replica matrix on a chain around his neck.  
  
Hot rod: (looks down at it) light my darkest hour.  
  
You got the touch.  
  
Optimus: (pulls out his big gun and points it in hot rod direction) so new kid on the block wants my job that a laugh you snot nose punk what do you know about leading anyone.  
  
Hot rod: (worried) um..er..i don't know sir I thought I could.  
  
Megatron: well you thought wrong then didn't you.  
  
Optimus: what to stop me from pulling this trigger, do you feel lucky punk?  
  
Hot rod: please ( drops to his knees) don't kill me I could never fill your shoes (begs pathetically)  
  
Megatron: put him out of his misery optimus.  
  
Optimus: ok.  
  
Points his gum squarely at hot rods head as an explosion occurs behind them knocking them off their feet.  
  
It grimlock and merry band of hooligans. They have blown up the door that was offending grimlock earlier.  
  
Grimlock: take that you bastard ( he says as he spits on the remains).  
  
The explosion knocked out the other three, they reawaken in a prison cell.  
  
Optimus looks around he sees megatron and hot rod and sees they are all cuffed to the wall in power bonds.  
  
The cell door opens and a big shadow appears.  
  
Optimus and megatron together: (worried) oh no it it's the...  
  
Out of the light comes a minicon.  
  
Op and meg together: the lawyer.  
  
Minicons: well you two have fucking done it this time drinking and driving, destruction of private property, attempted murder. Well what the fuck do you have to say for yourself.  
  
Optimus: sorry my fault I lost control of.....  
  
Mini lawyer: yourself like you did with those hookers three years ago I don' know how in the bleeding hell I got you off on that. And you ( points to megatron) that drugs case you got into 5 years ago why do you do this do me. Youre both out a job that tragic but life goes on.  
  
Hot rod: what am I being charged with.  
  
Mini lawyer: nothing thank primus after all the shit we had to cover up for you to stay on the job was unbeliveale.  
  
Optimus: where's grimlock he should be hear as well.  
  
Mini lawwyer: (looks down) well all he did was blow up a door, but have you tried to get handcuffs on a T-rex it impossible so the police let him go.  
  
Optimus: how much is bail.   
  
Mini lawyer: free if you do us a favour.  
  
Megatron: such as.  
  
Minicon lawyer: (pulls out a video camera) when I leave points to hot rod do him over and tape it I love sick, sadastic, shit like that.  
  
Hot rod: you cannot be fucking serious.  
  
Optimus and megatron smile.  
  
The minicon lawyer leaves the room as optimus and megatron power bond disconnect while hot rod's do not.  
  
As the mini laywer leaves all he can hear are hot rod's screams.  
  
Mini lawyer: how I wish I could lul myself to sleep with that sound.  
  
The end there will be no sequel.  
  
(would you want one?????) 


End file.
